Harry Potter and the Posterior of Cartman
by starrysummer
Summary: What happens when the boys of South Park find themselves first years at Hogwarts with trouble brewing? Rated PG-13. Harsher language has been bleeped out. Just like on South Park! For the Pottersues fanfic contest. I'll probably be continuing this.
1. Chapter 1Something Strange in South Park

Harry Potter and the Posterior of Cartman

By Starrysummer

South Park, Colorado, is a very dreary place in the summer, indeed.  Whereas usually the children's favorite activities including insulting each other and hitting each other with ice and snow, this July, as every July before and after it, the children were reduced to insulting each other as their sole means of entertainment.

This day was no different.  Kyle Broflovski, Stan Marsh, Kenny McCormick and Eric Cartman stood in front of the bus stop, because they had nowhere else to stand.

"Your ass is so fat," Kyle began, "that when you walk down the street, people go godDAMN, that's a fat fat ass."

"Shut up, you greedy Jew," the kid with the fat ass replied.

"No, you shut up, lard-butt," Stan replied.

Kenny, because he was poor and had no other clothes, was still wearing his orange parka in July, even though it covered his entire face, preventing him from being able to speak.  Well, he still spoke, but it was very hard to understand.

"Mmm fmmm asdfojkkladremmm," came the voice from within the parka.

The other three boys burst out laughing.

Cartman was seething, and about to come up with something equally offensive in reply, when suddenly, he was hit on the head with owl poop.  "Motherf*****," he shouted, throwing his defecation-covered hat behind him.

Just as the other three boys were about to start making fun of Cartman's hair, they looked up to realize the sky above them was positively swarming with owls.  Brown owls, white owls, black owls, all sorts of owls, and they appeared to be holding _letters_ in their beaks.

"What the f***?" shouted Cartman.

"Dude, there is no WAY this is the most fucked up things we've seen," Kyle reminded him.

"Oh, yeah," said Cartman.

"Dude," interjected Stan, "that does not stop this from being seriously f***ed up."

"Rhfdaspojvclkjaf."  The four boys burst out laughing as an owl swooped into each boy's hand, depositing a letter.

Cartman looked at his.

Eric Cartman 

_The Bus Stop_

_South Park, Colorado_

United States 

Each of the boys' letters was similarly addressed.  They thought it strange, but not all that strange compared to giant Trapper Keepers that took over the world and corporate underpants gnomes, so they opened the envelopes and began to read the parchment enclosed.

Congratulations!  You have been accepted for attendance at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.  Enclosed you will find a list of school supplies.  Term begins on the first of September.  We expect your reply by the fifteenth of August.

_Yours,_

_Minerva McGonagall_

_Deputy Headmistress_

Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry 

The attached list indeed included a list of supplies, but those were none of the supplies the boys had ever needed for Mr. Garrison's class (though he had shown them several interesting uses of wands and rats).

"All right, whose idea of a joke was this," shouted Cartman. 

Nobody responded.

"Motherf*****," Cartman repeated, out of sheer frustration, stamping his foot on the ground.  As he brought his big, fat foot onto the soft summer earth, he noticed a cat beside it.  "Hey, kitty," Cartman began cooing.  When the cat ignored him, his voice turned harsher.  "Goddammit kitty!"

Suddenly, the kitty began to walk upright and turned into a woman.  She wore robes, rather than the clothes the boys were accustomed to seeing adults wear, and had her hair pulled back in a very severe bun.  Most shocking to the boys, however, was the fact that she was not made of construction paper cutouts.

"Hello, boys," the woman said.  The boys just stood at her, transfixed by her appearance.

Just then, Chef drove by, which was very fortunate for the boys depended on Chef to explain everything they didn't understand.  Which, between the boys being young and naïve and the many strange things which happened in South Park, Colorado, was quite a lot.

Chef was a large, black man with a deep voice and a white chef's hat.  Hence the name Chef.  Well, actually, the name Chef was due to the fact that he worked as a chef in the school's cafeteria.  And the fact that his name actually was Chef.

Anyway… Chef immediately stopped the car when he saw the four boys… and the woman standing beside them.  The brakes screeched as his car came to a halt.

"Baby, I ain't see you around here before."

The woman looked at him quizzically.

Chef continued, as music broke out in the background.

"No, I haven't seen you round here before

But I'd like to get to know you some more

And more and more

So please get into the backseat of my car

And we can go really far

Really far"

As he was about to break into his refrain, the woman cleared her throat.  "Excuse me.  My name is Minerva McGonagall, and I am the Deputy Headmistress—"

"You can deputy my head, mistress, any day," Chef announced.  Kenny laughed.

"I am the deputy headmistress at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.  Are you this boy's guardian?"

"Are you asking if I'm their parents?"

"Well, that, or if you're the one responsible for them."

"Compared to everyone else around here, I'm pretty f****** responsible," Chef blurted out.

"Right, then," McGonagall replied.  "I would like your permission, then, for them to attend our school."

"Sounds good to me.  Can't be any worse than what that pervert Garrison is teaching them."

With that, Chef drove around, singing to himself, and McGonagall turned to the boys.

"All right, then," she began, "we're going to need to do some shopping." 


	2. Chapter 2: Enter the Magical World

Professor McGonagall led the boys into the magical world of Diagon Alley, a world of _golden light and brooms in flight_

_Magical shops_

_And lollipops_

"Shut up, Cartman," said Stan to his friend who had started singing cheesey soft rock anthems again as McGonagall tapped her wand at the bricks in the back of the Leaky Cauldron, opening a door onto a spirited world of mystery, Diagon Alley, the wizarding shopping district.

"Sweet, toads," said Kyle, as he and Stan ran for the window of Phileas' Pet Supplies.

"Hey, wait for me!" whined Cartman, who tried to catch up with his friend until he got distracted by the façade of Florean's Ice Cream shop.

Pressing his face into the window, Cartman began to salivate staring at the perfectly spiraled ice cream cones in the window, magically charmed not to melt.  He ran for the door of the shop and stepped to the counter.

"Hey!  You!  I want an f******* ice cream!" Cartman started yelling to the clerk.

The pimple-faced teenage wizard behind the counter looked taken aback, yet began to fill a cone with the delicious-looking soft serve.  When he returned to the counter, it was all Cartman could do to avoid grabbing it straight out of the man's hands.  Reaching into his pocket, he pulled out about three-fifty and placed it on the counter.

"What's this?" the man asked.

"It's my money, dumbass."

"We don't take Muggle money," the man explained.

"Goddammit!  I just want an ice cream," Cartman started shouting, before he felt McGonagall's hand on his back, pulling him gently outside onto the street.

"First thing, Eric, is to go exchange your money."  She said in a warm tone of voice.

"Well, where the F*** am I supposed to do that?"

She turned him by the shoulder and pointed to the gleaming, marble-faced building at the end of the block.

"At Gringotts, the wizarding bank."

Professor McGonagall grabbed his hand tightly, and they made their way towards the window where Stan, Kyle and Kenny were gawking at toads.

"Come along, boys," she said sternly.  "First we have to exchange your Muggle money."

"Our what?!" asked Stan.

"Muggle is the wizarding term for anything, well, not magical."

"Dude!" said Kyle, "even the money is magical."

"Well, no.  We just have our own currency."

"Lame," whispered Cartman to his friends.  If he'd been looking more closely he would have noticed the strict woman's ears point upward.

Even the boys had to admit that Gringotts was one of the most stunning buildings they'd ever seen.  Marble columns lined the entryway and miniature but harsh-looking goblins sat behind raised tellers' desks.  The light came from a single crystal chandelier, enchanting to hang several feet from the ceiling.  Best of all, not a single thing was made out of cutout construction paper.

One by one, Stan, Kyle and Cartman exchanged their dollars and cents for Galleons, sickles and knuts.  When it was Kenny's turn, he stepped up to the goblin helping them, only to reach into his pockets and find them empty.

"Haha," teased Cartman, "Kenny's family's so poor that they have to eat dirt for dinner."

Kenny said something unintellible, though the first couple of works did somehow resemble "your mom."

"Just a minute, Mr. McCormick," said McGonagall, placing her left arm on his shoulder and reaching into the pocket of her robes with her right hand.  She removed a single bronze key.  "Your great-grandfather was a renowed wizard in his time before he moved to America and intermixed with Muggles.  Before his spat with the Ministry, however, he left this key with Professor Dumbledore, to be held onto until one of his descendents showed evidence of wizardry.  If legend holds correctly, you're now in posession of a large pile of Galleons."

"Woo hoo" was distinctly audible from underneath the orange parka.

"Motherf*****," said Cartman.  "What the f*** are we going to tease him about now?" 


	3. Chapter Three: The Requisite Sorting Cha...

Author's Notes:  Look, I updated!  I do not always respond to verbal abuse, it just happened to work today.  Anyway, I do plan on writing more, though I have no idea how quickly or slowly I'll be able to get this out.  No promises, but lots of thanks to everyone who's reviewed.

On the day they were to leave for Hogwarts, the boys received a letter from Professor McGonagall.  Gathered together in Kyle's living room, preparing to leave, the owl swooped in through the window and landed on Kenny's shoulder.  Taking the envelope from its beak, Kenny began reading aloud to his friends.

"Mmmhffm fmffmm—"

Cartman grabbed the letter and began reading it himself, as nobody could understand Kenny.

"To reach Hogwarts, throw Floo powder into the fire, state the name of your destination, and step inside."

"Mom!" Kyle yelled.  "We need a fire."

Mrs. Broflovski came into the room and stared, befuddled at the boys.  "Now what do you need with a fire in August?"

"It's how we're supposed to get to school, Mom."

"What- what- WHAT?  Show me that letter."

Before he could blink, Cartman found that Kyle's mom had grabbed the letter clear out of his hands.

"You know, boys, I'm not very comfortable with this magic stuff."

"But, Mom, Chef said we could go."

"Yes, well, just because Chef does something doesn't mean you should."

"Chef's not going with us," said Kyle.

"Well, then, I suppose you can go.  I'll get your father to start up a fire."

The boys cheered as Mrs. Broflovski left the room.

When the fire was blazing brightly, the boys stood in front of it with the small jar of Floo powder they'd purchased in Diagon Alley.  

"Well, here we go," said Stan, tossing some of the powder into the fire, which instantly began glowing brighter.  "Who wants to go first?"

"No way," said Kyle.

"I think Kenny should go," said Cartman.

Kenny looked carefully at the fire, reaching out to touch it.  When his finger emerged unscathed, he tentatively decided it was worth the try.  "Ah-ars," he said, annunciating as best as he could through his hooded parka.

He began to spin, faster and faster, until at last he disappeared.  The other three boys stood dumbfounded, unsure whether or not they should pronounce Kenny's death.  Finally, Stan and Kyle looked at each other and decided to push Cartman into the fire instead.  "Hogwarts!" Cartman yelled, "and you'd better not f*** up."  As Cartman began spinning faster and faster within the fire, Stan and Kyle could hear his fading voice screaming the words, "I hate you guys."

The boys emerged to find themselves in fireplace in a small hallway in Scotland.  Of course, they didn't know that they were in Scotland at the time; all they knew was that they'd forgotten their stuff.  Brushing the dust off their overcoats, they looked around, partly in wonder at their magnificent surroundings, but also pretty darn pissed off.

"I want my cheesy poofs!  I want my kitty!  I want Clyde Frog!" Cartman whined.

 "When we lost our luggage on the way to Florida, we went to the airline offices."

"Um... Kyle, this doesn't look anything like an airport," Stan pointed out.

Just as the boys were beginning to worry, a tall, grandfatherly man spotted them from across the hall.

"Ah, Mr. McCormick," the tall, violet-robed wizard said, "I'd been wondering when I'd meet you."

Kenny mumbled something in response.  It seemed as if the old man understood his muffled voice perfectly.

"Your great-grandfather Elphos McCormick was a close friend of mine.  A brilliant wizard in his own right, as well, though he didn't take well to some aspects of our world."

"He was named Elphos?" blurted out Cartman, "what kind of a stupid name is that?"

"Anyway, you boys should make your way to the great hall for the Sorting."

"The what?" asked Kyle.

"You'll see soon enough," the old wizard replied.  "Hurry on now."

The boys continued in the direction he'd pointed and found themselves entering a massive room which opened directly onto the night sky.  Looking up to admire the stars, the boys didn't notice that they were blocking the path towards the four long tables until a older girl with long, fluffy hair walked straight into Cartman.

"Oh, excuse me," she said, her accent quite clearly British.

"Why don't you watch where you're going?" demanded Cartman.

The girl looked at the boys' faces, still pointed upwards.  "You four must be first years.  Welcome to Hogwarts.  That's not really the sky, by the way.  It's only been magically charmed to look like that."  With that, the girl hurriedly walked off into the room.

"Magically charmed?" repeated Stan.

"That's what she said, dumbass," said Cartman.

The boys walked off to sit at the table closest to them when a massive, unkempt-looking man blocked their path.  "You four shoul' be with the other firs' years," he said.  The boys nodded quickly, not willing to disobey anyone even more massive than Cartman.  They crowded near the side of the room, near a bunch of children, all of whom seemed to be wearing graduation gowns. 

Slightly taken aback by these funny people with funny clothes and funny accents, the boys kept to themselves and talked quietly until a sudden hush came over the school.  Cartman steadied himself on Kyle's shoulders and tried to peek over the crowd to see what was going on.

"It's… it's a hat," he reported back to the other boys.  Their confusion was only exacerbated when the hat began to sing.

_Some of you may know me_

_And some may know me well_

_But if we don't get unity_

_This school will go to hell_

_The Gryffindors are fighting_

_The Slytherins are grim_

_Ravenclaw's igniting_

_And the Hufflepuffs fear Him_

_The world of our magic_

_Is something we hold dear_

_But evil's rise is tragic_

_And coming rather near_

_Here with us now are four young boys_

_And four houses which divide_

_We must resist temptation's ploys_

_And form one bonded side_

_Now I may place you in Gryffindor_

_For the fearless and the brave_

_Cherish courage, hope for more_

_We may need you to save_

_To Ravenclaw you may be sent_

_Where intellect runs true_

_Be solid and do not relent_

_When the struggle calls for you_

_Dear Hufflepuff, do not despair_

_You're not the house of last resort_

_You're eager, loyal, true and fair_

_We need these badgers's sort_

_And Slytherin, here saved for last_

_Is every bit as key_

_Do not think the die's been cast_

_Your choice is always free_

_So four houses on this day_

_Be four and yet be one_

_For the most important thing I say_

_Is divided, we are none._

With that, the hat fell silent and looked like any other beat up old hat.   The entire hall was silent for a few long moments, until the gray-haired wizard from the outer hall, seated at the heat of the high table, began to clap.  Within seconds, almost everyone was cheering loudly.

The severe-looking witch who'd visited the boys in Colorado began calling out names of the first years.  "Abbott, Marshall" was sorted into Hufflepuff, and then it was Kyle's turn.

Looking back once more at his friends, Kyle walked bravely to the stool on which the hat had been.  As Professor McGonagall placed the hat on his head, he realized how many unfamiliar eyes bore into him and shut his eyes tightly.  Suddenly, he found himself hearing voices.  And, all of a sudden, all he heard was one loud shout of "Ravenclaw" and the echo of the hat throughout the hall.

Meanwhile, Cartman turned to Stan and Kenny.  "It's only because he's a Jew."  Stan looked back at Cartman puzzledly, and then realized that McGonagall had been calling Cartman's name.  

"It's your turn, fatass!"  Looking around, Cartman waddled to the chair.

After a moment's deliberation, the hat called out "Hufflepuff!"

"All right, Hufflepuff," Cartman shouted as he made his way to the Hufflepuff table.  Not that he knew that Hufflepuff was, only that it was where Kyle wasn't.

Several more students were sorted amongst the four houses before McGonagall made her way down the list to the M's.

"Marsh, Stan."  Stan looked at Cartman at the Hufflepuff table and Kyle with the Ravenclaws as he made his way to the front of the hall and felt the hat on his head.

"A little nervous there?" Was the hat talking to him?  Stan nodded, unsure if he was losing his mind or if this place was even stranger than he'd originally thought.

"That's all right," said the hat.  "Doesn't stop you from belonging in GRYFFINDOR."

Kenny was called next, and as the name McCormick resonated through the hall a round of whispers spread around the students.  Used to being mocked as the poor kid, Kenny nonchalantly made his way to the hat, noting that his grandfather used to have one quite like it.

"I was wondering when I'd see you," the hat whispered to Kenny.  "I've known for years that I'd be putting you in SLYTHERIN."

A hush fell over the crowd as Kenny hopped up and made his way to the Slytherin table.


End file.
